Some of Rodney Dangerfield's One-liners


1. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.


2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home."  I went over. Nobody was home.


3. During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


4. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm

afraid to go to the bathroom.


5. I was such an ugly kid.  When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.


6. I'm so ugly.  My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.


7. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled



8. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid.  There's so many places they can hide."


9. I'm so ugly.  I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.


10. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror.  I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."


11. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?"   He told me to run off a cliff.


12. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.